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That. I miss that. And so much more.

Being single this time of year, for the third (consecutive) year ever when it comes to age that matters, I’m feeling more lonely than ever. Searching out pictures to accompany this article (it’s a near compulsive thing for me, our articles here need to have a picture to go with them) was something I knew wouldn’t be easy. I would see pictures of exactly what I was wanting to experience, exactly the situation I wanted to be in, so I could point and say “Hey! That’s it! That’s what I want!”

I miss being part of something special. Of course, my family and my friends are special. But to me, to have a boyfriend (and seemingly the guy I have in mind), would bring me not just happiness, because there are things that make me happy in my daily life, but he would bring me contentment and those feelings that I’m missing, longing, aching for.

For some people, I suppose it’s not so bad being single. Either they don’t know anything else, they don’t care, or they like it that way. Well, that’s just not me. I was in a relationship I thought would last the rest of my life (how naive) and then after eight and a half years, it was over. I had to respect his decision this time. And it was two weeks after Christmas – January 5th. (Okay, maybe not exactly two weeks, but you get the damn idea.)

I loved being in a relationship. I loved having that trust, that intimacy, that I had with no one else, and knowing that no matter what happened to me, he would come running. He would be there. And he was.

Until he just couldn’t do it anymore.

And for the first time in my life, my adult life (however you want to call it), I was single. I was alone. So maybe now that’s why at Christmas I get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness mixed with foreboding.

It could be us. Let's just try?

I see a specific someone and want to say, “Hey, why can’t it be us in those pictures instead? You know, just see what happens.” But I’m a coward. We kinda already established our ground rules. Things have been changing though, getting more flirty, so it doesn’t really seem so out of the question.

Or am I just SO not used to being single that I have absolutely no idea how to read guys? That’s a total possibility. Just not the possibility I want.

My perfect Chirstmas eve this year, not even Christmas, would be to spend it with this one guy and just … do whatever the hell we wanted. If we wanted to fuck like bunnies, we’d go at it madly. If he were in a giving mood, a massage for my neck, shoulders and back would probably be enough to make me cum and then we’d be back to fucking like bunnies again. He could finally stop giving me a hard time for not having seen Army of Darkness. I can’t exactly use the age thing as an excuse with him – I’m ten days older than he is, so that excuse will always be null and void.

But that change, that idea of a night with someone I’m starting to care about – whether it’s just because we fuck so well together and he is now the best pain killer out there, or because we’re blurring the lines of friends with benefits and getting flirty with each other and the line that separates benefits from relationship – is something that I could actually look forward to, instead of being stuck with my parents and doing the family thing again (don’t ever get me started on what family is, I’ll never shut up), being miserable and getting drunk by 2p before anyone has even shown up because I want to disappear from where I’m at so badly.

Look, we found our tree!

I want to wake up to this being my Christmas breakfast…

after this….

… was how my Christmas eve started off.

I mentioned something about being a coward already right? Yeah, that’s me.

When it rains, it pours? Please let me get caught in the rain!

~*~ Greenlee

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