(My apologies to Gretchen to not getting this up when she sent it to me)
Long time no post, I know. Things have been… interesting… of late. Let me explain. When I last posted, it was about Coming Out to my mom as an asexual all those years ago. Well, now it’s time for me to come out again.
Life is fluid, and things are shifting constantly. I’ve believed that for a long time. And so, things have shifted for me. I can now admit it, not only to myself and select friends, but to the public.
“Like if you were to watch a room full of Zen monks meditate every day for 30 years and one day one of them bursts into laughter and is rolling around on the floor unable to contain his glee. He laughs until he is crying and wheezing. The other monks are unaffected of course.”
So yeah, I’m that monk on the floor right now.
I’ve been frustrated with being a girl ever since I was a kid, because people expected me to act a certain way. I wasn’t really comfortable, but I wasn’t set against it completely, because I could just say I was a tom boy.
Then when I was 12, I developed status migrainous and my self-identity became completely engulfed in that until about 2.5 years ago (when I went in to the 3rd floor, so for almost 10 years) because it was SO painful.
I’m getting to emerge out of my pain induced shell and start to feel again. I realized that I was asexual first, about 4 or 5 years ago, but I was told (basically) it was just a phase because I was emotionally stunted and only just hitting puberty mentally. (thanks, Doc!)
However, I’ve been getting more and more uncomfortable with being associated with “GIRL” things for about the last 6 months or so and wanting to be more androgynous. But I suddenly burst into tears in the middle of the WalMart dressing stall while trying on larger bras (I’m now a 38DD) that I didn’t want to be a girl at all.
So yeah… I’m apparently very slow on the uptake because when I told my mom and sister (separately) that I didn’t want to be a girl, and didn’t identify as such, their responses were basically “duh.”
I don’t know if I’m going to evolve into an FtM, Third Gender, androgynous, or just gender queer. And right now, I don’t care. It doesn’t really matter, does it?
Labels Are For Soup Cans.
So that was basically four months ago. Wow, how time flies, and moods flow. Well, I no longer hate being a girl, but I don’t really identify as such, either.
I’m neither male nor female, simply am. And that’s good enough for me.